One might think the diagnosis of a chronic incurable disease would be heartbreaking. By the time I received my diagnosis all I felt was relief, relief that I wasn't losing my mind, and that there was a reason behind why I was constantly struggling and feeling horrible, and there was some form of treatment. No there is no cure for either condition, but just the knowledge that there were drugs that could help me manage my symptoms was the light at the end of my tunnel.
Dont get me wrong, in the 6 months following my Crohn's diagnosis I went through all the stages of mourning. I was in denial for a while, questioning my doctors knowledge of the disease, seeking second opinions, I was angry, I was depressed, and you know the rest. I had to mourn the death of my healthy self, because at the onset of my diagnosis, when I looked into the mirror, I didn't even recognize the pale, skinny, pathetic looking person who stared back at me. Dark circles under my red swollen eyes, cheekbones that protruded because of the weight I had lost, and a look of hopelessness in my eyes. Who was I? Was I going to let this change me? Why is was this happening to me? What had I done to deserve such a thing?
I threw myself my own personal pity party for about a year, then as the meds started to kick in and I started to gain my strength back, I started to remember who I was prior to becoming sick. I volunteered at a local homeless shelter to force myself to open my eyes to others, that YES, could possibly be worse off than myself.
Four years after my AS diagnosis and two years after my diagnosis of Crohn's disease I am finally able to say I've made peace with the cards I've been dealt, and even better I can say that it has taught me some very important lessons.
Everyone is fighting their own personal battles, no one is free from pain, despair, or hard times. I cannot say it any better so I will quote one of my favorite pieces of literature. "Accept misfortune as the human condition" - Tao Te Ching Once you are able to do this, you gain acceptance, and by that action alone, you gain everything, you have the ability to take control of your life once again.
I will share a piece of poetry that I've written. I hadn't written a poem in at least 10 years so be warned, but the process was very therapeutic to me and I hope you will enjoy. At the very least I hope this can help at least one person out there who is trying to come to terms with a chronic disease.
Enjoy, be well, and most importantly, be strong.
Affirming My Strength
My reflection in the mirror
Paleness and fatigue is all I see
I look but don’t recognize
My body has betrayed me
You say you can’t cure me ‘It’s chronic not deadly.’
Blue pills, yellow pills, too many pills
These strangers are trying to break me
Hospitals and needles; can you inject me with faith?
The physical pain I can take
It’s the helplessness that kills me
I keep pushing, keep breathing
Please give me my space
I focus on strength, not fear
Watch me endure, no more fighting back tears
Finally I’m in a place where no one can touch me
I’ve found acceptance and THIS is what saves me
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