Last weekend I was exposed to my first Body Building Competition, thanks to my 18 year old muscle bound brother. It was his first competition and he had dubbed me as his “assistant”. What this job would entail I wouldn’t find out until it was too late.
As we entered the small high school auditorium in Westerly, Rhode Island I viewed the stage area and the swarm of hard bodied competitors both male and female, most of which looked like they could squash me with their pinky finger. Mind you this is a “Natural Body Building Competition” as my brother pointed out. They are required to complete a polygraph test and sign some documents stating that no illegal substances were used in an effort to “bulk up”. Well if this is the case I’m not sure I ever want to see what the non-natural competitors look like, roids and all.
I sat with my family as we watched them set up the staging area. I was then instructed to go to the car to get my brothers food, which consisted of brown rice, a banana and some sausage. When I looked around I noticed the rest of the competitors all seemed to be eating the same thing – rice. I then learned as I offered my brother some water that it is customary to not drink any fluids prior to the competition. I guess dehydrating your body aids in making the muscles appear more defined. Now I’m worried that my brother may pass out on stage.
Both my brother and his 2 friends who were competing with him and against him all had their legs up in the air resting on the row of chairs in front of us, odd.
“What are you all doing with your legs?” I asked.
“We have to keep them elevated otherwise the blood pools in the legs and your calf muscles won’t really appear as defined as they could” He replied gruffly.
Suddenly I was running outside after my brother and his two friends.
“Come with us, and bring those vinyl gloves I told you to bring”
What happened next I try not to give much thought, but really it is the point of this entry, unconditional love. I put the gloves on as my brother handed me a spray bottle full of tanning fluid. He took his shirt off, and right there in front of the main entrance to the high school I started spraying some instant pro tan concoction and then spreading it evenly as to not leave a streaky appearance. The stuff dried fast and suddenly we were running late according to my brother so I was like a robot, spray then rub in, spray then buff, spray then distribute. Suddenly I notice his friends getting in line and taking off their shirts. What?! I was not aware I was assisting all 3 of them! After I get all three of them rubbed down from the waist up we are running backstage to finalize getting them stage ready.
I enter the backstage area and witness all of the hard bodies standing around in their speedos and stringlike things that pass for bikinis, red speedos, neon green speedos, gold speedos, sparkly speedos. They were doing pushups and lifting weights and posing in front of mirrors, all the while rubbing themselves down with instant tanning sprays and gels that look something like chocolate pudding. I could taste the tanning sprays as soon as I entered the backstage area. The smell assaulted my nasal passages, throat and mouth. My lungs were getting a tan that’s for sure.
Once we got to our area I could tell the boys, who were new at this, were a bit shy.
“Drop your pants boys no time for being shy we are on a time schedule!” I yelled. Who was this person?!
“Don’t ever doubt my love for you again, you owe me big time.” I remarked to my brother.
Now instant tanner needs to be rubbed into the legs, yeah I’m talking ass, thighs, right down to the feet. I’m a robot now, my brother is first in line, then I move on to his friends, I tried not to think about what I was doing and just focus on getting the job done as quickly as possible.
My brother’s 40 something year old mentor comes over after we had finished prepping and observes my handiwork.
“Where did you find this girl Matt, I can’t even get my girlfriend to do this?” He asked.
“He is lucky I’m related to him, this is what you would refer to as unconditional love.” I answered with a smile.
My brother went on to place 1st in the Debut category and 2nd in the Teen category, which made it all worth it, tan lungs, hands and all.
